Saturday, 27 June, 2009

The King of Pop

In the wake of his death, many maudlin and mushy posts would have already flooded the internet.Michael Jackson's death was not shocking at all for me,I would have been zapped had he died a natural death with his grandchildren sitting around his wheelchair.Maybe he would have have done a reverse spin on his wheelchair for their amusement.It is another matter altogether whether his son would have let daddy get too close to his "grandchildren". That would be one dark shadow cast forever on MJ.

One bizarre factor when I listen to music is that, the lyrics never stick to my head.The first thing that hits me is the sound, layers and layers of sound can be deciphered by my brain.. but never the lyrics.In the pre-Rahman era there was nothing worth talking about in the Indian Film industry when it comes to the standard of Sound Recording.

Michael Jackson's tapes from my father's collection was an eye(ear) opener for me.Considering the choices that I had from his collection, the choices apart from MJ being Donna Summer and ABBA.
Incidentally Donna Summer's "Love to Love you Baby" is the song which plays in the background when VK Ramasamy and Janakaraj watch porn in AgniNatchathram. :-)

Unlike many others, the first ever MJ I track I heard was not Thriller, Beat It or Billie Jean..
It was Wanna be starting something[ dummies please click].
The short and rasping 3 sharp beats that signals the start of the song followed by that very funky synth hook which loops through the song and the simple tune with catchy African chorus was enough for this kiddo to get hooked....
It was a pretty smart edit when the synth loop is held back for the African chants some 5 mins into the song and then it kicks back in with perfect sync without missing a chord.

Skipping the big three to another lovely track in the album.. his duet with Paul McCartney.. The girl is mine...

This song has recently popped onto my play list, especially the spectacularly re-worked version from his Thriller 25 ably lends it a smooth jazz feel for his version of the duet with MJ.In fact I found a similarity between the re-worked version and one of namma Rahman's work..

Girl is mine- Michael Jackson with

Oh La la- Bombay Dreams

Compare the opening bars of the above two songs ... Rahman thinks like MJ in his chord Progression.. this is just one of the many examples..

Next track is something which I have personally observed nobody talking about it.

Human Nature is a smashing melody, the first in his line up of great melodies that he would be belted out later in his career.
MJ's forte has always been his strong melodies and the fact that only his adrenaline pumping work has fetched him his bread and butter is totally unfortunate.
The dreamy opening bars of Human Nature [ link highlighted above] almost grabs you by your balls.

At times I feel slightly bad about the Comment Section of my blog, the fact that it is almost virginal in its exposure to comments has made me decide on something.

I pledge to write the 2nd of the series of posts even if I receive a solitary comment. :-)

Do dust up your old records or search some dark corners of your D:Drive and fish out some old Mp3 of MJ. May he Rest In Peace.

Sunday, 22 February, 2009

Half(hearted)- spin

I have no qualms in admitting that I had a lonely childhood.In the early 90's was living in a place where my only company was Sports Star magazine.Every week used to eagerly wait for the poster that was given as a freebie along with the magazine.I vividly remember this particular poster of Anil Kumble at the point of delivering his trademark top spinner.It must ve been 1993 and he terrorized the visiting English batsmen along with Rajesh Chauhan and Venkatapathy "Muscles" Raju.
My grouse at that point of time [ very foolish ] was that Kumble was labelled a leg-spinner.I convinced myself that I could do a better job than this lanky fella. So after pestering my dad to get me a cricket ball.. Would be wheeling away all day at my terrace at Graham Gooch[ he was my hero back then]. Out of a million deliveries that I bowled, not a single one turned!!!
That 9 year old boy did not have the intelligence to realize that just by copying your favorite cricketer the ball does not automatically start turning.
To make matters worse I pestered my dad to join a cricket coaching clinic being conducted in my school.This used to be a hi-funda coaching clinic where they played videos of recent interesting matches.
It was here that I first got to see Shane Warne's ball of the century.The experience was totally bewitching.Further convinced that this was the action I was looking for to affirm my "I am better than Kumble" theory, started copying every mannerism of Warne.
The result was not much different from what happened at my terrace.The deliveries used to land after an eternity.It reached such appaling levels that certain batsman used to go for a smoke and finish their homework before dispatching my ball into outer space.
My coach figuring out that I had no future as a leg-spin bowler egged me to concentrate on my batting. My heart was never in it though..
All this trauma continued well into 1998 when Shane Warne visited India for the first time.India Today even published an article with illustrations on his different grips including a new one that he developed.. somethin called a "zooter".
I had shifted to a new neighbourhood by now and was quite regularly playin "under arms" cricket.Since these matches did not have a time limit, one was forced to come up with variations to try and get the batsman out.
Too lazy.. this was meant to be a massive post... ZZzzzzz

Sunday, 15 June, 2008

Bussssss- Avataram Perumalae!!!!!!!

10 reasons why one should not watch Dasavatharam

1. Kamal Hassan's hideous wig, paunch & man-boobs
This point more or less is about Kamal as Govind.With his howl inducing accent and more than pally-pally relationship with the monkey.He also launches into a diatribe about how AIDS virus was released into the world by a lab monkey.. So does that point to bestiality ?
Kamal probably grew those man-boobs for that Patti character.. still retaining it for Govind and Fletcher in certain angles does not fetch him brownie points in my book.

2.12th century episode
This one was the real irritant.If you remove this particular episode .. The movie would still make sense... Completely unnecessary and the fact that Asin did not show any cleavage though draped in a sari sans blouse was a major blunder in my view.Kamal should have ensured Mallika Sherawat played Kothai with a gravity defying Sari sans blouse... And for further titillation should have made her pole dance in front of the Chozha king for clemency.... Sure Fire hit....
Kamal's aping of Passion of the christ .. Where the protagonist is tortured, paraded before being killed evoked no symphathy.. Coz there was no depth... Why should we empathize with a guy.. Whose background is murky.. All of a sudden .. he bursts onto the scene... starts singing songs.. and is killed promptly... Dipshit

3.Asin Thottumkal

BITCH!!!! that is one word to describe her performance as Andal......
I was almost begging .. secretly praying to Mithun Da.. and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.. Hoping Fletcher would put a bullet through her brain...
One more time I hear Perumale from her.. I am gonna bitch slap her.. parade her naked through the streets... tie her to that idol of hers... and drop her into the sea.. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

4.Krishnaveni Patti

FUCK!!!! Did Kamal spend a bomb on the make-up ?
This particular get-up looked as though .. the patti swallowed a vial of killer germs..
Coz the after effect of that virus makes someone look very similar to this Patti....

5.The Fletcher therapy

God bless Christian Fletcher. When governments around the world are spending millions of dollars trying to find a cure for cancer.. It was right there in front of us..
Chris Fletcher [ son of Duncan Fletcher former England Cricket Coach] really opened my eyes.
Extremely simple... Hire an Ex-CIA guy.. Make him shoot the cancer stricken guy with a gun.. and VOILA!! the gun would pierce the body takin away the tumour with it... No wonder people are against violence.. Some Pharma company is behind all this peace seeking Candle marches.. coz he knows no one would buy his drugs.. Too late to start an ordnance factory.. you see..

6.Avatar Singh

Buddy... If you are gonna sing a song like Oh Oh Sanam in front of a packed audience ... I swear they will pelt you with stones... Avatar Singh is an unnecessary plot device... Would have been interesting if Jayaprada had a pole dancing scene too... :D

7.Vincent - The activist

Flicking lines from Al Gore's An inconvenient Truth ... Sample " You just have one world to live in".... This avatar looked more like Ajith's tryst with Citizen.... very similar looking to Ajith's politician with goitre getup in that awful movie "Citizen".Pathetic waste of time

8. Himesh Reshammiya

Why is it that no one else apart from me sniff an islamic base in that "Kallai mattum Kandal" song. Buddy.. it is definitely not carnatic.. I bet my ass on it...sounds similar to a sufi song I heard years back.. but unable to recollect now

9.CGI work

Gosh.. Tacky.. Amateurish.. Rubbish.......

10.Story-Dialogue-Screenplay : Kamal hassan

This was his worst avatar.... Too self-indulgent.. showing off that he knows more stuff than the normal guy.... His weaving of atheism .... not knowing when to stop... and forced humour... I believe Crazy Mohan would have brought the roof down with a tool like Balram Naidu in his hand.. to be frank Balram Naidu scenes were not bad.. it could have been rocking.....

Parting Shot: Unlike Superstar.. Kamal needs to literally slog his ass to bring in the crowd.. had this film not been hyped to its current levels.. "Aascar" Ravichandran would have renamed himself "Asscar" Ravichandran

Thursday, 29 May, 2008

Blow job Story 2050

One may find this surprising. I have a soft corner for Anu Malik. People just love to rubbish him.. But I love to rubbish him even more.. He is my favorite punching bag.

But one can't deny he has given us stuff like


Main Hoon Na




Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon




Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hain

I would give someone 1000 bucks if you can figure out on what basis I listed the above movies.He has plagiarized like hell I admit . But none of the above movies are listed at
The reason why I am talking about Anu "bullshit" Malik is that off late he has been churning out duds with amazing consistency.
At this rate he would soon achieve Six-Sigma Rating in delivering bullshit albums.
His much touted comeback album "Love Story 2050" has been my breaking point.
I was gritting my teeth even while hearing songs from Anamika. But this is the limit.
First of all any producer with an iota of sanity would not sing Anu Malik for a mega budget movie set in 2050 AD.
The songs are simply traumatic. If this is gonna be our future.. I pity my grand kids for the kind of music that is gonna assault them.
The biggest mistake has been trying to think "out of the box " in trying to predict future music patterns.. that too with Anu Malik.
One smart idea could ve been using retro music for a movie set in 2050 AD.
Like how Dil Chahta Hain spoofed old bollywood songs .. they could ve come up set pieces where the hero says..
Hey how about jiving to some retro "bullshit" songs by anu malik back in mid 2000's
My favorite song from the album is "Lover Boy.. Will you be my toy ? "

Lot of orthodox snobs have been offended by these words. There is just no ambiguity, it just has a single meanin namely "Hey 6 Ft. hunk.. how about lending me some spunk" . for dummies the translation is "It Rocks.. Cum in my Box" . Now my writing has surely touched rock bottom.

Had Anu Malik started a blog.. You certainly know it would be quite similar to

Terrible.. The soundtrack is plain awful. more awful than my blog.

Saturday, 22 September, 2007

Om panty Om- music review

Deepika padukone!!!!!!!!! marry me....... i know i ve got the sex appeal of a trash can...
What a babe.. a goddess in fact...
Comin to the relevance of the title of this post... that would be the name of the movie i would make with deepika padukone given a chance...
throught the duration of my movie she would be made to wear costumes like the above one....
super duper hit i tell you!!!
Err!!! the script would be something like deepika checking out the new Victoria's Secret store in town n tryin out all their latest "lavender tinted" night garments.... The duration of the movie would be for 187 min.. but i promise to ve the full director's cut of 435 min untouched on the DVD..
i swear this post was all about reviewing the soundtrack of "Om Shanti Om".. but when i was googling pictures for the post... couldn resist writing stinkers like the first few lines...
to be frank... the soundtrack is a real pain in the ass...
it is even more painful than reading this blog... rather than listenin to the songs u can gaze at her bosom above... that is one of the stills from the movie..
it is the now the stuff of legends on how rahman walked out of this movie citing differences regarding the music rights.... tht saga deserves a seperate blog in itself...
I was kinda excited [before the controversy i.e] coz farah khan sure has a decent taste in music...
if u can extract Main hoon na outta anu malik.. u can work wonders with rahman....
I frankly expected shankar-ehsaan-loy to take over the proj.. coz they are the only one after rahman in bollywood to ve that unique sound in spite of not repeating themselves...
vishal-shekar sure are talented... allah ke bande was a terrfic number and they are more capable than CASH n DUS...
but here... they stink big time....
Ajab Si is the only redeeming number in the whole album... excellent lyrics by vishal dadlani himself... in fact javed akhtar writes pretty mediocre stuff in the remaining songs...
he tries to do a gulzar who in jaan-e-man rhymed shaayri with diary...
here we get stupid lines linking san fransisco n disco... sheesh!!!
Dard-e-disco... i could almost imagine farah khan tellin rahman...
look rahman.. "i want this kick ass number which would put chaiyya chaiyya to shame... hire sukhvinder .. do something..."
but unfortunately.. she must ve uttered the same to vishal-shekar...
"INSIPID" is one word to describe this track... done to death rhythms.. stale hooks.. come on vishal-shekar... u guys can do better...
if u thought the worst was over.... sorry.. the album nose dives from here....
not just rock bottom.. it digs a hole 50 ft below rock botttom n fills it with shit...
"Deewangi" sounds like a tune anu malik would ve abandoned composing 2 mins into the song...
the way "Main agar kahoon" started I was instantly humming "yeh kiski hain aahat" from devdas... naah... smart guys.. turns out to be another one...
sonu nigam tries too hard in this "fake" retro number..... disgusting would be a nice way to describe the song...
"Jag soona soona lage" this track started with some bitch screaming as though her toe nail got crushed... i promptly switched to the next track...
"Dhoom taana" is sounds like a song more apt for Jeetendra n Sridevi doing their pelvic thrusts in the good old 80's.... shitty song...
vishal n shekar should be really ashamed... just check shankar-ehsaan-loy 's deliciously retro sounds in johhny gaddar... this one just sucks big time...
people who insist this one is a classic are like Gollum...
they are purely schizophrenic muttering " My Precioussssssssssssssssssssssss........."
people who like Sivaji's songs also fall into this category..
rahman sucks in sivaji... he is a genius... i'll bash up anybody who says otherwise.. still Sivaji sucks...
not just sivaji... but also godfather.. jillunu oru kadhal.... provoked... taj anthem... poverty anthem....
he has become stale.... get out of the rut buddy.... hope jodha-akbar redeems u from damnation.. Amen!!!

Sunday, 16 September, 2007

kaanal neer

HALLELUJAH!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am weeping out of joy.................
The Lord has come[or should it be cum???]... The greatest Lord of all Lords.. the one for whom i was waiting all my life has arrived on silver screen.............
Prabhuji!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this marks the end of your glorius era.....
Name of the Lord: RITHEESH[ Warning: the name of the lord must be whispered softly.. & at the same time hanging upside down from u r fan would be a good way to pay homage...]
I had the good fortune to see our Lord's movie KAANAL NEER on dvd yeste....
and within 5 min knew India's greatest star has arrived on the horizon..........
Directed by Chinni jayanth india's Ingrid Bergman...[more tarantino than Ingrid actually!!!]..
He has tutoured under masters like Kanti shah, nabh kumar raju ,TLV prasad... for more on these avant garde directors visit the greatest Sith lord of blog world
Our Lordship is introduced as Momma's cute n cuddly boy who has horlicks before bed [though he has a bottle of whisky stashed under his pillow]....
check our momma's boy above.....
now coming to the gal.. which gal wouldn' wet her pussy thinking about Ritheesh..
so here she is [ i heard she was picked up from the alley behind vadapalani bus stand...]
It seems she was negotiating for a hundred bucks more.. unknown to the fact tht she was gonna be made Lord's consort..... [ a much worser fate than a couple of hours of quick action on the hay!!]
And the scintillating soundtrack by Sunny-Bobby makes the Audio CD[5.1 mastered] a must buy....
each track is a grammy winner in its own right....
For the past 48 hrs ... i have been trying really hard to figure out the plot of this epic saga..
Guess considering my pea size brain.. it would take a couple of days more..
but stay tuned folks... more updates on the story coming up.. till then.. download the images of our Lord of All Lords as u r desktop wallpaper.. you will attain salvation quicker than the time taken to spell "Kanaal Neer"..................................